Life

Why is my heart breaking, why cant I fight the demons within, its like the world is suppose to break me down. The pain never stops, it never ends. Everyone I know is better then me, everything Ive lived is have been knives cutting away at my skin. I cant seem to escape the poison water that surrounds me. I'm swimming in a sea of destruction that no navy or coast guard can save me from. Its my time its my end. How badly I want to do it, take a gun or some pills or a knife and cut away the pain. just push it out and just call it a day. I really don't know what I'm talking about right now I just need to Clear my head. I'm looking at my future and hoping it all works out. I'm tired of the aches of the looks of the shamefulness I feel inside. As if my past is a weight and I carry it daily. Why do others get to be happier then me. they have not even live closely to what I have had to live Thu. Its not fair. This whole thing of life isn't fair. Some win and others don't. Some make it and others die. Who decides that. Who gave them the right to decide so many peoples fate. Who ever is in charge of my destiny is surely messing up. I'm suppose to make it, so many people have told me I'm special I'm different. But what does that mean, because if I was so special how come I'm in this predicament I'm  in. What about those kids that do nothing to deserve what they have. Like the rich kids that were born that way. Why why was it okay for them to have this happiness and not me. Do I get to sit in my sorrow forever. Its not fair, I'm tired of being strong, of not telling anybody the pain, its just no one understands, even the people that know they may think they know, but they never could fully understand how or what I go Thu. Its to much to describe. Its waking up on a Monday and waiting at the bus stop forgetting its your day off. Its like ordering your food and forgetting your money. Its like getting dumped every day for the rest of your life or over cooking your food. its that pain, that confusion, that total disgrace feeling.Its not fair. Its always been this way, ever since I was younger, my mother gave all my toys away and I sat there and didn't think it was fair. Then my mother dies, why I asked, I was so young and the only joy I had of life was stripped from me. I just hate the pain of life, who decides this, I know there is a god, but why why is there sorrow, why is there all this pain, then there are those clever Christian songs which try and say pain is gods way of reminding you he cares or hes there or your not like this world.I call bullshit, If a god of his power, who created the heavens and oceans, who cures sickness, who claims in scripture he is so loving and all are his children, if a god of this caliber loved us so much why does he bring the pain to my life. I can be doing everything right I could freaking cure cancer that day and the pain still slips within, its not fair. Its not fair that kids who's parents bought there clothes automatically made them popular. Its not fair that kids who had everything hand fed to them gets to go to the big University's. Its not fair that mommy and daddy pays for every cent of their college and they get to have fortune 500 jobs. its not fair. I got to grow with this pain igot to feel all parts of this world and yet I still have yet to see change. What type of plan is that. My savior save me I claim, yet no boat arrives, no plane comes, no rescue squad comes to claim my life. I see my self floating above my body and nobody there. No one but my own body. My greatest symbolism with this would be Great Gatsbys funeral. No one there for his funeral, so many parties so many people who claimed him a friend, an enemy, an historical person did not come. Its as Gatsby new my pain new my issues, but instead of drowning it all in the sea of a god, he turn the hose on a woman. Either way no one shows. I wonder what you have to put in this life to get back. They say hard work pays off yet so many people are with out jobs. I just don't know how so many rules can be implemented in a book yet no one follows and no consequences happen to this world. There is talk of a return yet no return happens. Do I just live my life to your best and die and wait to go to heaven. I just don't understand this at all. Life is suppose to have meaning, you say work for the after life but idk what all the after life brings, you claim there is no pain or suffering but why don't you tell me exactly what I'm working for, I look for more answers and noting comes. I'm just so done fuck this world ugh.