Thursday, October 10, 2013
Today is that type of day. Where im just pissed at everyone and everything. Nothing I do is going to be good enough. What really makes me mad is the fact my guardian got a lock on her door yet everyone else has a key for it. Like really, you even gave that niiga a key and he fucking cheated on you, I guess money does buy love. Me on the other hand just pushed to the side like a kid who wasn't suppose to play during recess. My life is just a bunch of sadness, and I cant stand it. What do I have to do to not feel this alone. It is like no matter what I do I look at the bad and not the good. I just don't understand life anymore. I know I say that a lot but its true. I just need someone to love me thru the week. Its just it gets so lonely, I see all these people with so many friends and then me. What's wrong with me, what am I lacking that people don't want to be around me. I just don't get this at all, I just want some attention from people. Someone to text me first to check up on me, or a tweet of how important I am to them. I just don't get what im lacking. im tired of the pain, thinking back to the days of when I had xc and track and everyone had a person to go to, a parent or a pair of them, they would get a hug a good job a support system, their parents would ask them if they need anything or if they wanted them to stay around. All the parents where all friends with each other then their was me. A loan wolf, I would finish a race and go to my bag and go on the bus. That simple, no good job or hug or congrats, just the loneliest feeling of the air and the tired body. I couldn't understand how people could be sad when they had this. It probably why I did so well in those sports. I had a fire no other had, a reason to run. No one force me to run as other kids parents did, I chose to run. Running had a way to make all the pain of the world drift away. I can beat people in practice and it filled my life. It gave me a reason to live, to be the best at this trade I found. All the world around me may be crashing or falling on my shoulders, but when I was running all that was gone. I can out run my demons. I can out run loneliness I can out run my pain. Nothing can stop me. But, that I stil always wish my mom would carry my bag or hug me or hold me up as the other parents did. Idk how I even did it looking back. How I even had the strength to get on the starting line knowing I will be alone at the end of it. Even my senior night, the one most important night of your high school career, I walked alone. The shameful lines and disgust I felt walking that was to much for me to bare. Then I ad to run right after that. I ran with such an anger and misery. I just don't know how I was allowed to be so alone. I wonder if I was someone elses inspiration. If I gave someone else a reason to run, then it was all worth it. I hate this emptiness feeling inside. So much anger and envy weighs on me. It why I love batman so much. He was an orphan. Abdoned by the world left in the cold. So much pain and emptiness. And eventually he said im just going to use this anger to stop others pain. He took his misery and gave it back to the criminals of a broken city. Its things like that that keep me going. Cuz one day this pain will find a purpose such as Bruce Wayne found his purpose. Maybe my life isn't to break down bad guys. But maybe there is more to it then that. Maybe im suppose to be this inspiration figure to all others. A white knight, someone to shine in the eyes of others. I just want to find my purpose all ready. Because everyday I don't know why im alive is another day im closer to my own self destruction. I sometimes wonder if secretly my family wants me to leave there life. If they want me out of this house. I really wonder am I suppose to be here, because I don't see a reason. Ive been grounded straight for so many years that this freedom I have overwhelms me. Im so use to being the bad guy that now that im a good guy I still feel like a bad guy. I just idk I want to get away from it all. Just get on a plane and fly away from it all. I sometimes wonder about if I had actually killed myself how would life be for everyone. Ive caused so many people pain, maybe if I was dead others would have been better off. Like this family, it would have hurt at first but imagine not having another mouth to feed, not having to worry what is he doing. Just complete bliss. its just a thought that keeps me up at night. Then there are times when I think of the happy thoughts.... oh wait no happy thought comes without misery in my head. People always ask me chris your always smiling. You always look happy. Well I just don't want the truth to slip that im breaking. That im honestly falling apart with every step I take. how can be a curse forever, is it like how the bible says that for generations will be punished if you commit certain sins. so what did our ancestors do, cuz apparently my mother was a prostitute who gave up her kids to the system who are both struggling to survive. If that is not a curse then idk what is. This whole life thing gets me. And as I write idk where the words come from. They just seem to flow and flow out of me. I just want to hear someone say I love you chris I love you so much and I just need you so much. I just want a random call from someone saying that. It seems I always have to say it first in every relationship ive been in. no one asking me how I am or saying gosh your so lovely out of the blue. Maybe the reason I say it is to hear it back. To feel that lack of love I fell thru out the day from everyone. Even when I turn to God for love I don't feel anything there. IDk I constantly try and try with him and beg and pled that he will show me this love and affection I am missing and yet nothing. Has he gone cold? closed his doors? given up? so many people that I've known feel the same way of this lack of spiritual romance with the lord of lords. Why is that? has he given up on this world? because if he has I cant have him quit just yet. There is to much im lacking in my life right now to be missing him also. just ugh ive been writing for 45 mins and still feel the same shittie feeling I was when I started typing. As the house fills up with voices, the music goes louder. Today is that type of day when I just want to be away from everyone. I just want to close my eyes and disappear, I close and pray but my body seems to stay. I just want to see my mom again, and as sad as it is I don't remember much and that's what hurts the most. This loving amazing mother who has my heart cant even be a clarity in my brain. I sit around and look at all these kids and wonder why I cant have that happiness why I cant have that love and affection that each of them have. Idk why the tears are flowing now but they are their shedding like the storm outside. its just pouring out. I just don't get it. the keys are being pressed harder and the sun is slowly drifting. and im still in this same spot on my bed typing the words out. I don't think I just go. I just want to be a purpose, be a movement, be a reason people wake up in the morning. I just want someone to hold right now. And I probably should get up and do something but I feel no need to. I just want to sit here and watch my life past by.