Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Sex Drugs and Alcohol. It seems as that's all people care about anymore. We look at movies, conversations, music, thats all people seem to be able to relate in. Especially with sex and alcohol. I have friends on facebook that all their pictures are half dress or barley any clothes at all. They like how peole like their photos, they like the attention. Why dont people enjoy just smiles. I love smiles, it says so much of a person way more then a half dress photo. And sex its like all guys seem to care about girls. Like what happen to the Gentleman of the world, who spoils their girlfriends with love and genuine care. And girls are at fault here too. They go out half dress so men can persue them because they believe thats how you should get guys. I blame the media alot for this,with the way they say things in tv shos and music videos. Also music always talks about provocative information. I just dont see how people dont see this. I hate how are generation just focuses on partying and getting drunk. I wish they would sit and think, imagine your at that party you get drunk and no one is paying attention to you and you drink to much and get alcohol poisoning and no one helps you. You could die in your own throw up because you wanted to have fun. Or even think about if the party gets shut down and you get a underage. How all your dreams would be effected. See my generation doesnt think these things. They want the pleasure the enjoyment. Same thing with sex, I wish they would understand they could get a STD or a baby from doing this. That they can mess up the great plan God has planned for them. I wish people would think instead of being so selfish on their weekend nights. Life is to short to make mistakes like these, I just wish I new how to change their thinking.
As I sit here im watching CNN and its just so frustrating to watch. The government closed mainly because republicans dont want Obamacare to past. And if you do your research you wouldnt like it either. Its crazy how much was kept secret and now is coming out in the light. Honestly thats not all, we also have the debt ceiling, were the government cant decide how much they should allot them to spend. They use tax payers dollars, to pay for programs we cant afford anyways. Its destructive, and its funny how they tried to act like nothing was wrong for so long, and continue to as the shutdown ends. I just dont understand how its not up to them to decide what happens. Its the people, me and you. If we go back to the past, the founding fathers would never have let all this happened. They put this country on a foundation of agreement for the people living in the country. As we look at DC they are not out for the people. Their hungry politicians out to get the quickest dollar or be the most popular. They remind me of high school. Some of them care but not enough to stand out, others are very popular and can do as they please, and then the ones wanting to make a difference get run over because it will hurt everyone else. Its ridiculous that we let a bunch of immature politicians run the lives of millions.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Girl this is for you. Im siting here as you sleep and im just thinking of everything while I listen to some country and im cheesing lol Because were so amazing an I love you and you have my heart all of it. Its crazy how short its been but yet I feel like I known you for so long my love. We have come such a long way from what we were, from are fighting. Im so proud to call you mine, your the midnight air on a summer night, your the sun glowing on a cool evening, your the dirt on my tires sticking to me and not leaving, your the kid that comes up to the other kid alone at recess and makes him feel wanted, your the promise parents make to their kids at a young age, your the ketchup to my french fries, your the letters in my words, your the laces in my shoes always keeping me tied up. Your a miracle, a leader a once in a lifetime chance. You can light up any room your in. You really surprise me with the way of your kindness. I really cant wait till I can see you wearing white when we begin to share a kingdom. my love, I want to change the world with you, I want to make a change with you, make a difference, something me and you can be remembered for. Because you deserve to be remember. Ill never forget you, your engraved in my heart, and have left a mark on it and its yours to keep. Its something bout the way you walk, its something bout the way you talk, its something bout the way you speak, its the way you shine, i love the way you walk and move those hips. I love all of you and when i lay next to you gravity drops and im floating above my body. And we made it thru the summer and making it thru fall. Baby i want to know you thru all the seasons, each one knowing which and how you are. Your just so marvelous in so many ways. I love those jeans you always seem to wear and I love the things you do with your hair, and I love the way you you bum it, and I love the fact you love soccer and dance, and I love the fact you love to read, and I love the fact I met you at a book store like a cheesing 80s movie, and I love the face you love 80s movies, and I love the fact you laugh at all my stupid jokes, and I love you love all the things I love or you have a funny way making me believe you do, Just one look into your eyes and im gone forever, every second with you makes life better. Something bout looking at the sky with you wondering why we are here and where are we going, its something bout cruising with you thru the hilltops, its something bout the way we are happy about nothing when we are together, its something bout the way I keep falling for you everyday, its something about the way you have me. I love your style i love panda gosh baby I love you.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Decisions you make, they either shape you, make you or break you. they either take you by storm or they are the storm. Sometimes its hard to decide which ones are the correct ones to take. As we all can relate to relationships, they either are very enjoyable or they can be very destructive. You never really know if you are making the right decision by entering the doors of one. I think its the same way with the rest of life. Sometimes I relate it to what are dreams are. As if my dreams are not suppose to be real. What does not make sense is why do people tell us our dreams are not meant to be. As if they want us to meet equal to what they became. I remember saying I wanted to be a writer and my English teachers told me that was not possible. That you are not good enough to our writing. As if all seven classes we had was not juggled also to the misspeled words and the errors I left on the papers. As if I was the only one who could not also do what they did. While I reminice on the past the years behind me, I remember all the pain and all the mistakes I made by others deciding what I will become. I remember I was 15 when when I said military. My family loved this idea because it meant being normal or excatly like them. I remember I was 16 when I said I want to be a Dj and everyone laughed. I didnt have many friends and the parties were slim but in my head I new what I would become. When I was 17 I said I wanted to be a writer, but I forgot kids in general classes are not allowed to be this dream. Soon I would wish all this luck away and become scum to all that breath by stealing a car and running away. The color on my skin came to light because it reminded me where I belonged. As if spanish boys are not suposed to dream. As if the shackles are tied to them at birth and it will be soon enough when they will come into the light. They forgot to tell me there are unforgivable sins on earth as well. Because once the world gives up on you all seems hopeless. Now all those dreams of army man and dj writer came back to the surface and it was proven fact that two will fade and one will stay. My family began telling me instead of showing me where to go. They said you must join the army to change who you are. As if walking in lines and shooting rifles would change me to become more socially acceptable. As if I would forget the emotional abuse ive been receiving for years. It doesn't work that way. Abuse is like blood stains their permanent, they stay for a long time and are a reminder of the pain you have been given. Its to late its there. In my own soul i felt like a victor for going thru all ive been thru. I am sure that each of the victors in the hunger games must have felt this way as well when they were about to die, that they have been given so much much pain and misery and made it so far and that was good enough.I was accepting the fact my life wouldn't change because i was given a set life all ready. A plan out of my reach, A purpose I could not alter. As I hit the age of adulthood it was now to accept the outcast feeling. people did not need to hold your hand anymore, you were not accepted to what you thought was a family. I was an adult. As if that word was more exciting to hear at a younger age, when we all dreamed of shaving are faces and screaming honey im home. As if the movies forgot to tell us that adults are miserable from 18 to 25, that this age is not the happy pent house life they make it seem.
Moments, moments like these that keep my faith strong. Were when the world seems to be crashing we still seem to keep strong. Its crazy how the king of kings works. I was sitting there with my thirsty heart begging for a miracle for a change, and you came. You said dig a ditch so I bought a shovel and i began to dig. You told me you would bring the water for my thirst, so I dug and I dug till I could not anymore and now I am blessed , Now I have water to drink. You gave me an opportunity and I wont waste it. You want to see my faith here it is God, I see you, I feel you, I love you. What rung in my head was am i going to stay in a routine or am I going to search for something greater. All of us have that feeling, that desire in our heart, but what we do with it defines the actual condition of our heart. God does not want us to stay ordinary, he has a plan, and that plan is for something greater. He had a plan for us before we were even placed on to this earth. All god wants us to do is dig ditches, he wants us to do the work first then we receive the blessing. He asks for a short leap of faith, nothing big just enough to show we are willing to go after this thing this greater purpose he has dreamed for us. Its like he is seeing if we are ready to receive the blessing. Imagine what you could do with this desire this feeling you feel. Could you be a doctor? or the next morgan freeman, or even just the next Dog rescuer. Imagine what your calling is. Think of all the things you are good at and just imagine what lord has set in store for you to use that for. Today look at yourself, and just say God I am trusting you and I will begin digging my ditch, the ditch I am going to begin digging is.... And start going to work. If you dont know what your ditch is thats okay. Sit back and reflect. Stop and talk to the lord, the lord works in the most mundane ways. You could recive your water at the most amazing times. to say a story, today i woke up like any other day, with this feeling inside, this greater purpose filling inside but what made today different then others is the night before I prayed to the Lord of lords, the Kings of kings, to show me my ditch, show me were I need to begin digging at. And as I do any other day, I went on my way of going thru my twitter and i found a man, probably looking for a day of on this holiday to spend with his family. But, he was asking if anyone wanted to report a game for him because he could not do it. Thats all it was a report for a high school game. To you reading this that may not seem like much but I one day want to be a reporter, someday be that pultzier prize winner journalist who travels the world. So I was going to just keep scrolling down but i decided to stop and read it. It said if anyone is interested to just email him. By the number of retweets it did not seem as if anyone else was spamming his email box. So I decided to just send an email to see if he was serious. I did not think he was going to actually respond. But when he did I automtticaly new what god had done. He was filling my water he was giving me faith. I didnt do much, I took a small leap of faith to just see what would happen, and God gave me chance. Thats all he asks, to just begin to start taking the steps needed for his greater will.God is honestly amazing, he does work in the most surprising ways. So dont wait any longer, take that step take that step to what you want to do. Its not going to fill itself. Its going to take sometime to where you need to do something. Now take this moment to sit back and praise the king of kings. Do not let the world to decide what you will be. Be what you want to be. as I write this out actually the girl I ran away with actually entered Starbucks. Its funny how the devil tries to win you over. Or tries to pull you down. But Just focus forward don't let him pull you back. Be the best you and that's all it takes.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Today is that type of day. Where im just pissed at everyone and everything. Nothing I do is going to be good enough. What really makes me mad is the fact my guardian got a lock on her door yet everyone else has a key for it. Like really, you even gave that niiga a key and he fucking cheated on you, I guess money does buy love. Me on the other hand just pushed to the side like a kid who wasn't suppose to play during recess. My life is just a bunch of sadness, and I cant stand it. What do I have to do to not feel this alone. It is like no matter what I do I look at the bad and not the good. I just don't understand life anymore. I know I say that a lot but its true. I just need someone to love me thru the week. Its just it gets so lonely, I see all these people with so many friends and then me. What's wrong with me, what am I lacking that people don't want to be around me. I just don't get this at all, I just want some attention from people. Someone to text me first to check up on me, or a tweet of how important I am to them. I just don't get what im lacking. im tired of the pain, thinking back to the days of when I had xc and track and everyone had a person to go to, a parent or a pair of them, they would get a hug a good job a support system, their parents would ask them if they need anything or if they wanted them to stay around. All the parents where all friends with each other then their was me. A loan wolf, I would finish a race and go to my bag and go on the bus. That simple, no good job or hug or congrats, just the loneliest feeling of the air and the tired body. I couldn't understand how people could be sad when they had this. It probably why I did so well in those sports. I had a fire no other had, a reason to run. No one force me to run as other kids parents did, I chose to run. Running had a way to make all the pain of the world drift away. I can beat people in practice and it filled my life. It gave me a reason to live, to be the best at this trade I found. All the world around me may be crashing or falling on my shoulders, but when I was running all that was gone. I can out run my demons. I can out run loneliness I can out run my pain. Nothing can stop me. But, that I stil always wish my mom would carry my bag or hug me or hold me up as the other parents did. Idk how I even did it looking back. How I even had the strength to get on the starting line knowing I will be alone at the end of it. Even my senior night, the one most important night of your high school career, I walked alone. The shameful lines and disgust I felt walking that was to much for me to bare. Then I ad to run right after that. I ran with such an anger and misery. I just don't know how I was allowed to be so alone. I wonder if I was someone elses inspiration. If I gave someone else a reason to run, then it was all worth it. I hate this emptiness feeling inside. So much anger and envy weighs on me. It why I love batman so much. He was an orphan. Abdoned by the world left in the cold. So much pain and emptiness. And eventually he said im just going to use this anger to stop others pain. He took his misery and gave it back to the criminals of a broken city. Its things like that that keep me going. Cuz one day this pain will find a purpose such as Bruce Wayne found his purpose. Maybe my life isn't to break down bad guys. But maybe there is more to it then that. Maybe im suppose to be this inspiration figure to all others. A white knight, someone to shine in the eyes of others. I just want to find my purpose all ready. Because everyday I don't know why im alive is another day im closer to my own self destruction. I sometimes wonder if secretly my family wants me to leave there life. If they want me out of this house. I really wonder am I suppose to be here, because I don't see a reason. Ive been grounded straight for so many years that this freedom I have overwhelms me. Im so use to being the bad guy that now that im a good guy I still feel like a bad guy. I just idk I want to get away from it all. Just get on a plane and fly away from it all. I sometimes wonder about if I had actually killed myself how would life be for everyone. Ive caused so many people pain, maybe if I was dead others would have been better off. Like this family, it would have hurt at first but imagine not having another mouth to feed, not having to worry what is he doing. Just complete bliss. its just a thought that keeps me up at night. Then there are times when I think of the happy thoughts.... oh wait no happy thought comes without misery in my head. People always ask me chris your always smiling. You always look happy. Well I just don't want the truth to slip that im breaking. That im honestly falling apart with every step I take. how can be a curse forever, is it like how the bible says that for generations will be punished if you commit certain sins. so what did our ancestors do, cuz apparently my mother was a prostitute who gave up her kids to the system who are both struggling to survive. If that is not a curse then idk what is. This whole life thing gets me. And as I write idk where the words come from. They just seem to flow and flow out of me. I just want to hear someone say I love you chris I love you so much and I just need you so much. I just want a random call from someone saying that. It seems I always have to say it first in every relationship ive been in. no one asking me how I am or saying gosh your so lovely out of the blue. Maybe the reason I say it is to hear it back. To feel that lack of love I fell thru out the day from everyone. Even when I turn to God for love I don't feel anything there. IDk I constantly try and try with him and beg and pled that he will show me this love and affection I am missing and yet nothing. Has he gone cold? closed his doors? given up? so many people that I've known feel the same way of this lack of spiritual romance with the lord of lords. Why is that? has he given up on this world? because if he has I cant have him quit just yet. There is to much im lacking in my life right now to be missing him also. just ugh ive been writing for 45 mins and still feel the same shittie feeling I was when I started typing. As the house fills up with voices, the music goes louder. Today is that type of day when I just want to be away from everyone. I just want to close my eyes and disappear, I close and pray but my body seems to stay. I just want to see my mom again, and as sad as it is I don't remember much and that's what hurts the most. This loving amazing mother who has my heart cant even be a clarity in my brain. I sit around and look at all these kids and wonder why I cant have that happiness why I cant have that love and affection that each of them have. Idk why the tears are flowing now but they are their shedding like the storm outside. its just pouring out. I just don't get it. the keys are being pressed harder and the sun is slowly drifting. and im still in this same spot on my bed typing the words out. I don't think I just go. I just want to be a purpose, be a movement, be a reason people wake up in the morning. I just want someone to hold right now. And I probably should get up and do something but I feel no need to. I just want to sit here and watch my life past by.
Why is my heart breaking, why cant I fight the demons within, its like the world is suppose to break me down. The pain never stops, it never ends. Everyone I know is better then me, everything Ive lived is have been knives cutting away at my skin. I cant seem to escape the poison water that surrounds me. I'm swimming in a sea of destruction that no navy or coast guard can save me from. Its my time its my end. How badly I want to do it, take a gun or some pills or a knife and cut away the pain. just push it out and just call it a day. I really don't know what I'm talking about right now I just need to Clear my head. I'm looking at my future and hoping it all works out. I'm tired of the aches of the looks of the shamefulness I feel inside. As if my past is a weight and I carry it daily. Why do others get to be happier then me. they have not even live closely to what I have had to live Thu. Its not fair. This whole thing of life isn't fair. Some win and others don't. Some make it and others die. Who decides that. Who gave them the right to decide so many peoples fate. Who ever is in charge of my destiny is surely messing up. I'm suppose to make it, so many people have told me I'm special I'm different. But what does that mean, because if I was so special how come I'm in this predicament I'm in. What about those kids that do nothing to deserve what they have. Like the rich kids that were born that way. Why why was it okay for them to have this happiness and not me. Do I get to sit in my sorrow forever. Its not fair, I'm tired of being strong, of not telling anybody the pain, its just no one understands, even the people that know they may think they know, but they never could fully understand how or what I go Thu. Its to much to describe. Its waking up on a Monday and waiting at the bus stop forgetting its your day off. Its like ordering your food and forgetting your money. Its like getting dumped every day for the rest of your life or over cooking your food. its that pain, that confusion, that total disgrace feeling.Its not fair. Its always been this way, ever since I was younger, my mother gave all my toys away and I sat there and didn't think it was fair. Then my mother dies, why I asked, I was so young and the only joy I had of life was stripped from me. I just hate the pain of life, who decides this, I know there is a god, but why why is there sorrow, why is there all this pain, then there are those clever Christian songs which try and say pain is gods way of reminding you he cares or hes there or your not like this world.I call bullshit, If a god of his power, who created the heavens and oceans, who cures sickness, who claims in scripture he is so loving and all are his children, if a god of this caliber loved us so much why does he bring the pain to my life. I can be doing everything right I could freaking cure cancer that day and the pain still slips within, its not fair. Its not fair that kids who's parents bought there clothes automatically made them popular. Its not fair that kids who had everything hand fed to them gets to go to the big University's. Its not fair that mommy and daddy pays for every cent of their college and they get to have fortune 500 jobs. its not fair. I got to grow with this pain igot to feel all parts of this world and yet I still have yet to see change. What type of plan is that. My savior save me I claim, yet no boat arrives, no plane comes, no rescue squad comes to claim my life. I see my self floating above my body and nobody there. No one but my own body. My greatest symbolism with this would be Great Gatsbys funeral. No one there for his funeral, so many parties so many people who claimed him a friend, an enemy, an historical person did not come. Its as Gatsby new my pain new my issues, but instead of drowning it all in the sea of a god, he turn the hose on a woman. Either way no one shows. I wonder what you have to put in this life to get back. They say hard work pays off yet so many people are with out jobs. I just don't know how so many rules can be implemented in a book yet no one follows and no consequences happen to this world. There is talk of a return yet no return happens. Do I just live my life to your best and die and wait to go to heaven. I just don't understand this at all. Life is suppose to have meaning, you say work for the after life but idk what all the after life brings, you claim there is no pain or suffering but why don't you tell me exactly what I'm working for, I look for more answers and noting comes. I'm just so done fuck this world ugh.