Life

Why is my heart breaking, why cant I fight the demons within, its like the world is suppose to break me down. The pain never stops, it never ends. Everyone I know is better then me, everything Ive lived is have been knives cutting away at my skin. I cant seem to escape the poison water that surrounds me. I'm swimming in a sea of destruction that no navy or coast guard can save me from. Its my time its my end. How badly I want to do it, take a gun or some pills or a knife and cut away the pain. just push it out and just call it a day. I really don't know what I'm talking about right now I just need to Clear my head. I'm looking at my future and hoping it all works out. I'm tired of the aches of the looks of the shamefulness I feel inside. As if my past is a weight and I carry it daily. Why do others get to be happier then me. they have not even live closely to what I have had to live Thu. Its not fair. This whole thing of life isn't fair. Some win and others don't. Some make it and others die. Who decides that. Who gave them the right to decide so many peoples fate. Who ever is in charge of my destiny is surely messing up. I'm suppose to make it, so many people have told me I'm special I'm different. But what does that mean, because if I was so special how come I'm in this predicament I'm  in. What about those kids that do nothing to deserve what they have. Like the rich kids that were born that way. Why why was it okay for them to have this happiness and not me. Do I get to sit in my sorrow forever. Its not fair, I'm tired of being strong, of not telling anybody the pain, its just no one understands, even the people that know they may think they know, but they never could fully understand how or what I go Thu. Its to much to describe. Its waking up on a Monday and waiting at the bus stop forgetting its your day off. Its like ordering your food and forgetting your money. Its like getting dumped every day for the rest of your life or over cooking your food. its that pain, that confusion, that total disgrace feeling.Its not fair. Its always been this way, ever since I was younger, my mother gave all my toys away and I sat there and didn't think it was fair. Then my mother dies, why I asked, I was so young and the only joy I had of life was stripped from me. I just hate the pain of life, who decides this, I know there is a god, but why why is there sorrow, why is there all this pain, then there are those clever Christian songs which try and say pain is gods way of reminding you he cares or hes there or your not like this world.I call bullshit, If a god of his power, who created the heavens and oceans, who cures sickness, who claims in scripture he is so loving and all are his children, if a god of this caliber loved us so much why does he bring the pain to my life. I can be doing everything right I could freaking cure cancer that day and the pain still slips within, its not fair. Its not fair that kids who's parents bought there clothes automatically made them popular. Its not fair that kids who had everything hand fed to them gets to go to the big University's. Its not fair that mommy and daddy pays for every cent of their college and they get to have fortune 500 jobs. its not fair. I got to grow with this pain igot to feel all parts of this world and yet I still have yet to see change. What type of plan is that. My savior save me I claim, yet no boat arrives, no plane comes, no rescue squad comes to claim my life. I see my self floating above my body and nobody there. No one but my own body. My greatest symbolism with this would be Great Gatsbys funeral. No one there for his funeral, so many parties so many people who claimed him a friend, an enemy, an historical person did not come. Its as Gatsby new my pain new my issues, but instead of drowning it all in the sea of a god, he turn the hose on a woman. Either way no one shows. I wonder what you have to put in this life to get back. They say hard work pays off yet so many people are with out jobs. I just don't know how so many rules can be implemented in a book yet no one follows and no consequences happen to this world. There is talk of a return yet no return happens. Do I just live my life to your best and die and wait to go to heaven. I just don't understand this at all. Life is suppose to have meaning, you say work for the after life but idk what all the after life brings, you claim there is no pain or suffering but why don't you tell me exactly what I'm working for, I look for more answers and noting comes. I'm just so done fuck this world ugh.

The truth

The truth is I am not perfect. I sin every day no matter how hard I try not to. I make promises I am unable to keep, I continue to make mistakes. But no one thing for sure, my God is my savior, and he knows I am trying. My God knows my heart, and knows I want to love others like his son did, that I want to walk in the foot steps of him no matter how much I fail. My lord my heart is yours, you know what is best for me, your my eyes my feet my hands, so teach me to see the good in people, to show people to walk the right path, and to hug people with the love you had for humanity and still do. Lord, I know you havnt lost hope in humanity yet, lord you break chains, you break demons, God you are the greatest carpenter ever, you created a world a beautiful paradise that we take for granted everyday. God Im singing, singing in your grace your presence, because I can feel with me. I see the good you bring out of me to show for others in this world. God I love you, God I love you so much more then anything possible and at times im not perfect but God im trying, trying to be the perfect man you deserve.

Life

Make my heart like yours, because your heart is open and mine has doors, locking everything out, teach me to forgive, because that is how life is meant to be lived, you give more then anyone will ever understand. That is why I want to live Gods plan. Lord I want to brag about your goodness, and all the bliss, you give me in this reminiscing heart. Lord im the target so hit me with your dart. You keep me in the light when im stuck in the dark, God You have open my eyes to see the truth, that I don't need proof, because God your always here, you lead me when I have fear. Jesus always has a plan for your heart and mind, you just got to take the time to understand the riddle and the rhyme, its not the end if you sin, but with Christ you will win. In your own mind the lights are dim, but in Jesus you he will heal the timid. There is no limit on how much he loves, he can make our hearts floart high like doves, trust in the lord and he will help the broken, because God is the ticket he is the token. Giving up is the enemies goal, to make you feel cold, but your not alone my friend, I have been there done that. Crying in my room I sat, scared of my self and my mind, but pray to the God up high, and he will set you free, not the tree you have been smoking. I know I get it, dont have enough money to pay the rent, but let go of your worries, before your heart gets buried, and you give up in him which can not happen, because your actually at his door tapping, begging for help.

Disaster

I am a disaster. In so many peoples eyes I am a great guy, Im funny, nice, kind, have manners, and put others first. But, in my own life im just a piece of shit. Nothing, I do is correct to them. I have made mistakes, I have done some things wrong, I have messed up plenty, but not anymore. I keep pushing and pushing to prove I am not the same person that I use to be. I try so hard to be what this family wants, what this family loves, but I am not, im the pain to everything they are. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant function right anymore. No one can even undrstand the shit I freaking go thru. Im sick I am sick and tired of just being some freaking criminal to people. Why cant I get a damn hug when I walk in the door, or be told I am proud of you. All I do is a mistake. Your room has locks bolts, you have cameras, and yet im still being blamed for stealing things, Im blame for being a criminal. I dont understand this at all. But yet your man is a sexual perve and you trust him completely? Why cant someone just love me, love me and tell me their proud of me. I just need a home where people tell me they love me, im sick of this house here. Always being told to leave, always being told that im a problem, days like these just make me want to give up. I just want to start over, start over in a new home where people love me, people tell me they care, :'(. 

Run to you

Im alone, sitting down here by my self, i wonder how life could be different if I didn't have you in my life. Your the air I breath when I wake up, Your the sun rise when the stormy clouds are blocking them out. Your the sweet taste of candy on Halloween. The world is a dark place, a place filled with pain and hurt, but you keep the pain out of my life. Your like a band-aid over my wounds, healing me even though im bleeding. I can see peace in your eyes, I am able to live a life of success with your comfort your beauty in my view. There are times where Ive done wrong, but love keeps no history or tacking record, nothing to look back on for blame. Love is special, it can not be replaced, when you truly first love someone their love is the only thing imaginable. John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. So my love I ask you to grow with me and the lord, he is are protector are savior, anything in him can be reached, God is the only thing needed, without him we can not be successful. God gave me you so lets do him the right and honor his commands.

Lord

Lord I'm trying to be the man you want me to be. I've lied to you before many times. I've made false statements, remarks about changing when it hasn't been true. I want to only do the truth. I want to be someone I want to fulfill all the wants and needs you have set for me in my life. God your my rock without you I can't stand, I need you as a man needs his wife. God burn like a fire in me.

Surrender

I surrender
Lord. I give my heart my spirit to you. I want to be like you. I lay on this floor begging, begging for your entrance into me, show me how to leave my guard down to be like David, confessing all to you. Telling you the truth of my enemies about my love about my pain. Do what you please this body is yours, you created me take me and change, change me in to you. Psalms 30:5 states their maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning, every morning I want to wake to that joy, to that love you offer. My days are limited on this earth but your love lasts forever. I surrender, I give you my life i give you my all to be the man capable of pleasing a God so magnificent as yourself. God come rescue me from this earth from this pain, come protect me from the wrong doers Lord i want to be a walking image of you, I want all to see you when they think of me. The pleasures of this life are temporary but your love is forever, your a miracle that I don't deserve. I don't deserve to call you my father, your to great your to mighty for my sinful heart. That is why I Surrender, surrender to your mercy your forgiveness. Lord give me the armor to fight off the demons, the problems of the earth. God I want to be something bigger then my self, I want to find my self worth, I want to show others self worth. Lord I maybe young but as 1 Timothy says, Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live in your love, your faith, and your purity. God my life needs a purpose point me in the direction of that promise.