Tuesday, December 25, 2012

 Easy Exit
I want to do better, but I feel like a feather, floating to the bottom and I have to start over. I never had a problem being sober, refuse to turn into an addict, so I remain staying fit, but that never was good enough. Sometimes living their life is so rough, my bed is so alone and I have no where to go, I am growing older, but I keep getting colder, no tv or cell, just alone as you can tell. I write this with no attention to use, because I will eventually light the fuse, because i am abused, I hope I can let loose, Ive been breaking for years, but was to strong to let loose of the tears. I wish I was able to help others that are alone because I understand, I want to be able to show them Gods plan, because thats what keeps me alive. Sometimes I want to give up so bad, but he never lets me, because he wants me to breath.
 Summer Depression

The depression is sinking in, this past summer was worst then the abandonment I once felt, my heart has been stung and now there is a welt. Sometimes we get get back up and fight, but not tonight, ive given up so much in my slef idk how to get back up, I need a hand but ive been dumped, cast away to be alone, my body body is breaking and my skin slides off my bones, as the blod drips im back in a relapse, like my mind is doing endless laps in the past, theres no pain in my heart now just on my skin, I have let the devil win, but this is my secret drug, no one seems to care cuz they ignore the signs, i look at my tears and think maybe its time, to cross the line, and go for the veins, that look like lanes, God im going insane. Maybe because i ruin everything I touch, I let everyone down.

Monday, December 24, 2012


Help me, give me patience, give me strength. Im feeling weak, im feeling hurt and no one is here, I need a help up I need a hand lord. My eyes are shedding tears of sorrow. Come take the tears and put them away, God im tired. I have to live every day like this and I know you have the answer to peace, I am here begging for it. To put to rest the past, to put to rest the evil desires. God I need you as my lord and savior I need you to protect me, be my shield thru the disaster, be my light thru the darkness. God Just take me away to your peace.
If Christmas is about the coming of the prince of peace then why do I feel so alone. Why does my bones feel weak. Why does my heartache. Im standing in a crowded home feeling broken. Feeling distant from all these people. I am suppose to call them my family but I know they don't see me as family. I have just turned 18 and I can see them looking at me differently. I can see them ready armed to get rid of me. Maybe im just paranoid, but they have every right to. I mess things up, I am the reason for the pain they feel. I hate the looks I get the disgust reactions to anything I do. I thought running would impress them but it has not. Nothing that has come can change there perspective of me. It feels more like Easter. Like pain. Like sorrow. Like the Death of Christ. How his own disciples turned on him. the people he trusted with all his heart. Like my home, I walk and turn the corners and can see the plotting, the creating of disaster, the making of permanent exile. I want to leave here but yet I want to stay, stay so they can see the greatness I will become, but I want to leave, leave this pain sorrow filled house, bed, rooms, to somewhere else, some place where someone will love me for me, love my blood as much as my triumphs. God take me now, im ready to exit, take me to your gates, stop this pain my lord. 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Fresh Start

All I need is a new beginning. A new place. A new start. Somewhere where no one knows my name. Where I can be Billy Bob, or Tryon or anything. A place where people can learn who I am and not judge me for what I did. Family, friends, and people you know think they know you, they tell people things and that's how everyone sees you. I wish people would just mind their own business, go figure there own issues and step out of mind. My life is my place my problems and my mistakes. There is nothing more worst then people spreading rumors about you, telling you how you run your life before you even know.
Im so stressed my head is on protest. Fighting against the world and what they have me becoming. It seems as if im losing who I am to this world. Like everyone around me is changing or im changing and everyone around me is staying the same. Life seems to always getting worse before better. I need an outlet an escape from this unknown kingdom. I need a place where its just mine, im alone in it and I call it for my self. So many times Ive invited people in to my life that have just left. Ive let in lover friends and family members that just left me on the side of the road. But, trust is suppose to be given. But for me its never given in return.

Monday, December 17, 2012


Im to blame but yet you started it.... It seems like that everywhere Im walking. Like everything I do is wrong. People say ive lost my fillter but I just say whats the truth. I start to think and i think about all the times I helped these people, like open doors, defend them when people are insulting them etc.. People are mean, my feelings are not to be cared about. Im like a tree standing in a lonley forest waiting to be chopped, to be changed in to something I thought I'd never become. My scars are deep buried underneath, if only the world could see what I feel then only then could they understand the pain and heartache that is laying inside of my chest. My shoes have walked over many miles, miles of pain, agony, and disaster. Miles no other person would even dare to try. Pain is what I feel and pain is what you get, my rude remarks are to hide the kid screaming inside, to hide the soul of a kid lost.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

My voice is desperate, crying, shouting for a sound to be made, for a vibration to go thru the air, but silence. Ive become silent because of the pain words bring. Words are like teeth, shining bright when kept clean but disgusting when forgotten about. My mouth stays shut so I can not tell others there mistakes, or tell them what my heart really feels. The truth is something people take for granted. The truth is overlooked.My truth is love. My heart races with anxiety and compassion for others that sometimes don't deserve it. Ive become to intent in pleasing others that I have lost my own needs along the way. Needs that I needed to shape my future being. Do not make this mistake, do not listen to your heart. Your heart is a grave site for false hope. Only thing that lays inside your heart is pain. Pain to love another, pain to feel love. Pain is the bondage of all emotions. The one that traps you inside a cell and creates marks on your skin. And if not physically, mentally. Pain is not welcome but walks in as a beggar for food. Its desperate to take you down with it. Keep your doors shut unlike me.
Its like your afraid to show what you all ready know. Like you cant be honest with me because your not honest to your self. Your an angel, are love is unbelievable like a breath of air, I was not able to see but i new it was there, that I needed it. I took all of it in and let it become something I depended on. My body is not able to function with out you. Its as i am stuck inside a cave and your the light. I follow your direction to escape this hell, this hell called life. But as soon as I am able to reach the light, rocks cave upon me. False hope is finally reached, I try and run from the debree that is swormin the tunnel as ocean water at high tide, but it engulfs me every time. Taking me back to where it all starts, which is loving you. Loving you is difficult because I am not suppose to love you. To complete utter strangers. And then their is you. This angel that believes she knows better. That their is no such thing as a second try or another go around, just if it ends it ends and there is no turning back. Friendship. The word you brought to me at the end of this. Are friendship is not a friendship but a relationship in disguise. This kind of relationship is easy for you because their no strings to bind us together, their is no way to hurt each other because we wouldn't be allowed to hurt. There are certain rules in being together that one must follow but as friends there is not. Friendship..... The word I will never understand.....
I am alone, alone in my own head. Trapped, with no where out.